10th August

Dear Bestie

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I went to Dorset last week to stay with my aunts and I didn't take my computer with me. How are you? I think about you a lot. Sometimes I look at Evelyn and I think 'oh, that looks like an Eilys smile!' I guess maybe it's a general baby girl smile - I don't think our girls share DNA (not going to rule it out, since we do have the same brain) - but it makes me both happy and sad to remember Eilys and I can't imagine how it makes you feel. There were lots of butterflies in Dorset. They seemed happy. I don't know how you can tell the emotional state of a butterfly, but surely if they're not happy they probably sit in and watch Netflix like everyone else.

As for wallowing, yes, absolutely. I have a copy of my labour notes from Brandon's delivery and I read them every now and again, which only upsets me. But I like the reminder that it happened and it was real. Mourning him always makes me feel closer to him, which is a sorry state of affairs, but sometimes it's just what I need. You have to be selfish right now and do whatever gets you through the day. What you're going through is impossible. The fact that you get yourself out of bed in the morning is to your credit.

Did you have fun at your parents'? I had such a nice time in Dorset, largely because it was like an all inclusive holiday. No cooking, no cleaning, no nagging. Oh, for a life without nagging. Any advice on that front?

I feel like we should have a theme to this blog. Like, which TV show has your day been most like. Or something easier. My day has been like some really boring documentary. Doctors. Dentist. Swimming. Flyering for the ball. Even a fly on the best, comfiest wall in town would go elsewhere for better viewing.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long pause and I love you lots.

Speak soon,
Kat xxxxx

1st August

Dear Bestie,

How are you diddling? I'm at my parent's gaff for a few days with Dylan. I've been catching up with friends and picking fruit and eating naughty food.  I'm feeling a bit "wallowy in misery" tonight. Do you get that? Like I'm purposely thinking about things just to upset me. I don't know if it's cathartic, it feels a bit self destructive. I'm thinking that the last time I was here, so was Eilys and it was her 1st birthday and it was all happy and lovely. And coincidentally today last year we were here as a family too. It makes me feel quite empty and so sad.

I have been out and about for the last few days and just dreading bumping into people.  Seeing that woman and explaining what had happened with Eilys was tough but looking back, it was a little comical. She said something about Dylan's curls and then said "how's the baby doing?" And my (knee jerk but awful) response was "oh she died". I honestly can't even explain why I didn't sugar coat. Her face! Oh dear. I felt, still feel, awful. To her credit she was lovely and gave me a hug but probably thought I was a bit nutty or just insensitive.

That is awful that people think it's ok to be so rude and insensitive to you about Brandon. Ugh. People suck sometimes. I think Thumper's Mum got it so right. If you don't have anything nice to say then shut the fuck up. I'm dread people asking when will we try again or are we over it yet. First off, my sex life is my business! Secondly, no I'm not over Eilys nor will I ever be. Grrr.

Off topic.... I bought the Harry Potter script book today. I have no idea why. I have already accidentally read 3 spoilers (well, the first one was a mistake and the rest was me just reading spoilers). I have zero self control when it comes to these things. I'm an idiot. But I still haven't managed to read more than a chapter of a book since getting pregnant with Eilys so there is hope. Seriously why does pregnancy make it impossible for me to read?? I just can't concentrate on the words at all.

Anyway it's late and I'm rambling.

Big love and muchos hugs

Emma xxx

30th July

Dear Bestie

Contouring, hey? Can't say I've tried it. I have been impressed with your lipsticks, though - that coral sort of colour really suits you! The most I run to these days is primer, which I use as under-eye concealer, and if it's a really special occasion, mascara. With or without those things, I will always look like I've got two black eyes. I hope Evelyn doesn't inherit that from me.

I was thinking about you this morning, and wondering how you're doing. It sucks that you still have to explain about Eilys, but I guess it would also be horrible if nobody ever asked. Last year I went to a conference that if all had gone to plan with Brandon I wouldn't have gone to. Three people said to me 'hey, you're a mum now!' and I had to say 'no, it didn't work out' (even though I am Brandon's mum, but that's not what they meant). I had already told one of these guys by email that Brandon was stillborn, so I was really upset that it meant so little to him that he'd already forgotten. But not so upset as when he then asked me 'are you over it now?'. What kind of question is that? I barely know this guy! Surely the more appropriate question - if there had to be a question at all - would have been 'how are you doing now?'. People can be so insensitive because they have absolutely no idea what it would feel like to lose someone so precious. And I guess that's a good thing. We wouldn't wish it on anyone. And we're strong, so we'll cope with the idiots as and when they present themselves.

I went shopping today, even though I'm not supposed to be spending money. I meant to find myself a top with a gift voucher I got for my birthday, but I ended up spending it on clothes for Evelyn. I need to get into Quidco like you - then I can have free stuff too! I have been selling some stuff on ebay, so hopefully at some point that will add up to a top :) My mum made me a lovely teal maxi skirt from jersey material, but I don't seem to have anything that goes with it. She's so good at making things. I'm a bit gutted I never learnt to sew - but I guess it's never too late! Going into some of those shops was like travelling back in time. The clothes racks are basically the same as they were in the 90s and I could only afford a nail varnish.

Hope you're having a good weekend. Love you big time,
Kat xxx

29th July

Dear Bestie,

Yesterday my little chap went on his first ever trip with nursey for the day. Well actually that's not true, he's been on trips before but this time he was out all day and I had to send him with a packed lunch. The stress involved was totally ridic. The stress was all put on my me, obviously.

First off, the lunchbox. I could have just sent him with a tupperware style tub, as I'm sure the other non-mental parents did, but no I went to get him an actual lunchbox. Why don't they sell lunch boxes like we used to have? Little plastic brief case style jobs? Lunchboxes are all coolbag style jobbies now. And then I had to choose a style/cartoon/huge franchise to buy him. He had requested pink (I thought you be so proud, Kat) but the girlie ones are all my little pony or frozen and not plain pink. I decided on one with bugs on. He loved it, yay me.

Then what to fill the dam thing with (not actually fill it, it was huge). I feel a lot of pressure as I have heard a lot on the news about schools being a bit funny about lunchbox fillings. Eventually and in discussion with Mr D we settled on ham and cheese sarnies (wholewheat, obvs), salt and vinegar french fries crispy things, half a nakd bar, a box of raisins, some light ribena and a banana. Poor kid, now all his friends think his Mummy is a mental hippy type!! He tells me that his lunch was yummy, he ate it all up and the most important thing, he had a brilliant trip to the farm. Why do I stress so much?

Hmmm, the toothbrush thing. They were really good those tongue rubber things, disgusting but really good, I will keep my eyes peeled for one. I dunno what happened to them. Weird.

I have become a bit obsessed with contouring. I have no idea why. As you know, I am not the best at wearing make up and I fricking distest those Kardashians. I have been trying, and failing, to do this contouring thing. I take my before selfie,  I slap on all this stuff in the "right" places (from a buzzfeed, obvs) and then take my after selfie and I look no different! So annoying. I really don't know why I bother.

My legs and ass are still throbbing from that bloody leg, bums and tums workout class the other nigth. I know, I keep harping on about it but oh my goodness. I have never been to an actual class before instead I do workout DVDs (mainly Davina and more recently Friends Fitness). I was bricking it. I thought my lack of coordination would be my issue but as it turns out I am quite good at following a class. My issue was that it was sooooooooooo hard. I was sweating, shaking and generally wanted to just collapse! Ugh, I am still very much feeling it 2 days later.

Right Dylan is "running a muck" so I better go. Apparently it is snack time now, it's only 20mins after he ate breakfast. Toddlers are nuts.

Love ya lots

Emma

28th July

Dear Bestie

You are a baking genius - thanks for the recipe! I have umpteen recipe books, most of which I don't use because there's this thing called the internet - and you. Examples of me trying to be healthy and eat cake include the Davina 5 Weeks to Sugar Free book, Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet and the new Fearne Cotton Cook Healthy, Cook Happy or Cook Happy, Cook Healthy, whatever it's called. It's pretty but the font is weird, which distracts me. The thing that bugs me about healthy cake is how expensive the ingredients are - maple syrup, coconut sugar (coconut anything, actually), even honey is expensive. And then they want things like cacoa (which is not cocoa, apparently) and maca, and bloody seeds in everything. Nuts and seeds are expensive! Someone should invent a cookery book that has lots of treats in it, which are low in bad stuff, and cheap to make. You could do that. Add it to your list of a million projects.

I wish we lived closer together so that a) I could give you lots of hugs and b) you could encourage me to exercise. I am knackered and I feel old and I can't be bothered, plus I am too broke to go to the gym or swimming or to exercise classes. I used to run - remember those days? But I would always go as soon as I got home from work. I could go as soon as Jamel gets home from work, but by that time I'm usually starving.

Did you get your photos sorted? I am crap at photos. I'm not good at taking them and then we do nothing with the ones we have. Evelyn is more than 6 months old now and we've not had any pictures printed really, except the few Jamel put in a frame for me for mother's day. Talking of missy moo, she went down for her first nap at almost 2pm today. That's usually the time of her third nap. Pray for me.

Do you remember when toothbrushes used to have tongue scrubbers on the back? What happened about those? Just wondering.

Anyway, my lunch is nearly cooked. (A packet of Aldi 'golden vegetable rice'. I dread to think what makes it golden.)

Love you lots, take care of yourself,
Kat xxxxx

P.S. Is this how a blog is meant to go?

26th July

Dear Bestie,
I thought I would start this blog malarky as I wait for 17000 plus photos to sort themselves into order (why are computers so slow?) I am trying to make a photobook of all my Eilys photos but it might be rather expensive if I put all 17000 in it so I am going to have to just pick my favourites, this might take a while! Why are all my plans so time consuming?

Dylan is multitasking like a pro. Building lego, digging up lego, munching muesli (a toddler who likes muesli...) and watching Wall:E. Honestly he amazes me. I am doing 2 things, this and trying not to be annoyed by the computer. Oh and trying not to cry at the Wall:E soundtrack, you know how certain bits of music just hit your tear ducts, yeah that!

I am doing ok. I am mainly up but sometimes down which I guess is totally normal. I am exercising a lot, not too much but enough to tire me out both mentally and physically. I think having lots of little projects on the go is good too, distraction is key. But also I am starting things and then just not wanting to even think about completing them, like painting the masonry outside the house.

These photographs are really dicking me off now, it's like they're not even trying to get in order. All I want to do is put them in folders. Why is everything so hard!?

So yesterday, I made some pretty bloody delicious Italian lemon squares. And they were gluten and dairy free completely by accident! The recipe was a little bit made up but I'll tell you coz you're my Bestie...

2 large eggs
110g Caster Sugar
110g Ground Almonds
30g Gluten Free Flour
110g Vitalite
The zest of 2 lemons

For the drizzle
The juice of the aforementioned lemons
1tbsp Sugar

All I did was whack all the ingredients in a bowl, popped a apron on the toddler and let him mix his little heart out. Poured the batter into a lined and greased tin and baked for about 25mins (until the top was golden and the sides were pulling away from the tin). In a tiny pan I boiled the lemon juice and sugar until it thickened a little bit. Then I turfed it out of the tin onto a cooling rack, peeled off the baking paper and drizzled the lemony goo over the top. Yum! Trust me x

Right, I better go and get the toddlebum dressed. We have an adventure at the Park to get ready for (I am exaggerating, we're going to the park and I am really hoping for no actual adventures)

Love you

Emma xxx

PS The photos are still not sorted. I might punch the computer...