1st August

Dear Bestie,

How are you diddling? I'm at my parent's gaff for a few days with Dylan. I've been catching up with friends and picking fruit and eating naughty food.  I'm feeling a bit "wallowy in misery" tonight. Do you get that? Like I'm purposely thinking about things just to upset me. I don't know if it's cathartic, it feels a bit self destructive. I'm thinking that the last time I was here, so was Eilys and it was her 1st birthday and it was all happy and lovely. And coincidentally today last year we were here as a family too. It makes me feel quite empty and so sad.

I have been out and about for the last few days and just dreading bumping into people.  Seeing that woman and explaining what had happened with Eilys was tough but looking back, it was a little comical. She said something about Dylan's curls and then said "how's the baby doing?" And my (knee jerk but awful) response was "oh she died". I honestly can't even explain why I didn't sugar coat. Her face! Oh dear. I felt, still feel, awful. To her credit she was lovely and gave me a hug but probably thought I was a bit nutty or just insensitive.

That is awful that people think it's ok to be so rude and insensitive to you about Brandon. Ugh. People suck sometimes. I think Thumper's Mum got it so right. If you don't have anything nice to say then shut the fuck up. I'm dread people asking when will we try again or are we over it yet. First off, my sex life is my business! Secondly, no I'm not over Eilys nor will I ever be. Grrr.

Off topic.... I bought the Harry Potter script book today. I have no idea why. I have already accidentally read 3 spoilers (well, the first one was a mistake and the rest was me just reading spoilers). I have zero self control when it comes to these things. I'm an idiot. But I still haven't managed to read more than a chapter of a book since getting pregnant with Eilys so there is hope. Seriously why does pregnancy make it impossible for me to read?? I just can't concentrate on the words at all.

Anyway it's late and I'm rambling.

Big love and muchos hugs

Emma xxx