10th August

Dear Bestie

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I went to Dorset last week to stay with my aunts and I didn't take my computer with me. How are you? I think about you a lot. Sometimes I look at Evelyn and I think 'oh, that looks like an Eilys smile!' I guess maybe it's a general baby girl smile - I don't think our girls share DNA (not going to rule it out, since we do have the same brain) - but it makes me both happy and sad to remember Eilys and I can't imagine how it makes you feel. There were lots of butterflies in Dorset. They seemed happy. I don't know how you can tell the emotional state of a butterfly, but surely if they're not happy they probably sit in and watch Netflix like everyone else.

As for wallowing, yes, absolutely. I have a copy of my labour notes from Brandon's delivery and I read them every now and again, which only upsets me. But I like the reminder that it happened and it was real. Mourning him always makes me feel closer to him, which is a sorry state of affairs, but sometimes it's just what I need. You have to be selfish right now and do whatever gets you through the day. What you're going through is impossible. The fact that you get yourself out of bed in the morning is to your credit.

Did you have fun at your parents'? I had such a nice time in Dorset, largely because it was like an all inclusive holiday. No cooking, no cleaning, no nagging. Oh, for a life without nagging. Any advice on that front?

I feel like we should have a theme to this blog. Like, which TV show has your day been most like. Or something easier. My day has been like some really boring documentary. Doctors. Dentist. Swimming. Flyering for the ball. Even a fly on the best, comfiest wall in town would go elsewhere for better viewing.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long pause and I love you lots.

Speak soon,
Kat xxxxx

1st August

Dear Bestie,

How are you diddling? I'm at my parent's gaff for a few days with Dylan. I've been catching up with friends and picking fruit and eating naughty food.  I'm feeling a bit "wallowy in misery" tonight. Do you get that? Like I'm purposely thinking about things just to upset me. I don't know if it's cathartic, it feels a bit self destructive. I'm thinking that the last time I was here, so was Eilys and it was her 1st birthday and it was all happy and lovely. And coincidentally today last year we were here as a family too. It makes me feel quite empty and so sad.

I have been out and about for the last few days and just dreading bumping into people.  Seeing that woman and explaining what had happened with Eilys was tough but looking back, it was a little comical. She said something about Dylan's curls and then said "how's the baby doing?" And my (knee jerk but awful) response was "oh she died". I honestly can't even explain why I didn't sugar coat. Her face! Oh dear. I felt, still feel, awful. To her credit she was lovely and gave me a hug but probably thought I was a bit nutty or just insensitive.

That is awful that people think it's ok to be so rude and insensitive to you about Brandon. Ugh. People suck sometimes. I think Thumper's Mum got it so right. If you don't have anything nice to say then shut the fuck up. I'm dread people asking when will we try again or are we over it yet. First off, my sex life is my business! Secondly, no I'm not over Eilys nor will I ever be. Grrr.

Off topic.... I bought the Harry Potter script book today. I have no idea why. I have already accidentally read 3 spoilers (well, the first one was a mistake and the rest was me just reading spoilers). I have zero self control when it comes to these things. I'm an idiot. But I still haven't managed to read more than a chapter of a book since getting pregnant with Eilys so there is hope. Seriously why does pregnancy make it impossible for me to read?? I just can't concentrate on the words at all.

Anyway it's late and I'm rambling.

Big love and muchos hugs

Emma xxx